Tête-à-Tête-Tête

I am writing this a tad early for Tuesday morning reading, but as of 1:45 a.m. (or thereabouts) Eastern time, I am 24 hours without a cigarette.

Let me back up a little. This isn’t the first time I quit. In fact, I remember the year I quit as being 2003, because quitting was one of the things that led me into blogging by the end of that year. I found myself needing something to do when I would otherwise be firing one up. Reading the internet made time go by. That eventually led to finding the Dean Blog (Dean for America - remember that?), which in turn gave me the silly idea that I could do something like that.

That was also what started me out juggling.

I was smoke free for two years, halving the “extra” time between goofing off on the internet and goofing off with juggling balls. Eventually, real life took over a lot of that “extra” time, such that I was not spending nearly so much time with my new hobbies. But, it was a mutually reinforcing deal, and I gained some interesting insights from the internet and some cutesy new clowning skills.

I got cocky one day during a vacation in early 2005 and decided I could have a vacation smoke. No big deal - It was only a week’s vacation, and I couldn’t get hooked to the point that I would have problems when I went back to work in that amount of time. Just a couple here and there while it still had that “new” to it that it had when I started as a kid. When there was still a pungent taste and a slightly euphoric buzz. Back to work - back to being a non-smoker. Didn’t work out that way.

Last time I quit pretty much cold turkey. I tried the patch, but I couldn’t keep it on because it irritated my skin, so I threw it away after the first day and just resigned myself to crawling in and out of my own skin for a day or two. Physical activity helped. Every few minutes I would leave my desk chair at work and take a quick walk around the parking lot - quick enough, long enough to maybe break a small sweat - then back to work. If I had to sit still, I found something read-worthy that I could get completely absorbed in. When my hands needed something to hold, the juggling balls came out. When my mouth needed some stimulation I’d break another tooth on chewing gum (seriously - errr). I used a lot of “crutches”, but I really found it didn’t seem so hard that time. I think a lot of it is mindset… the only problem is that mindset is a difficult thing to adjust voluntarily. I think I had it just right that time.

This time, I’m taking the new non-smoking wonder drug (which my insurance doesn’t cover, and that doesn’t seem a wise policy for an insurance company). I’ve been on it almost a month and only started reducing my smoking in the last few days. I went without all day Sunday, but my late night with my buds and the Mollys got me thinking I should start Monday morning. I did. And as I mentioned before, you’ll read this when I’ve been over 24 hours without. (Thank you. Really, you’re too kind). The drug helps (I won’t draw the spammers here by mentioning it’s name)… but I’m working hard on my mindset and on gathering my crutches. This time, the internet is kind of old news, and I can’t get absorbed in it as easily. I’m trying to add a couple of tricks, and maybe a ball, to my juggling repertoire. When I get restless, at “break time” mainly, I head to the gym and do an easy 10-minute wussy work-out. After work, or on weekends, I can work on my newer avocation. You may remember that someone loved me enough to furnish me with a unicycle a couple of years back. I finally started trying to learn it in earnest nearly a month ago, and I’m getting close to the point where I could actually use it recreationally - though I’m still not meeting the most basic “skill level” criteria - I can’t free-mount quite yet - can’t turn 180 degrees - can’t dismount gracefully with the cycle in front. But, as long as there is reasonably level pavement in front of me, I can ride indefinitely - and that feels fantastic, especially remembering what it was like to not be able to pedal it while holding on to something nearby for dear life without it flying out from under me.

I have yard work that needs doing - that will help keep me busy. I have a few other projects I might try. It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough, and convincing myself that another 30 minutes of staving off the craving will make me a flipping hero of Chuck Norris proportion. Speaking of Chuck Norris, a little known fact: Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. Did you know Superman sleeps in Chuck Norris pajamas?

I’ll check in again when day 2 gets behind me.