What do y’all want to talk about?
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Oh hey – this is neat.
ummmm
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I’ve got nothing4 comments to I’ve got nothing |
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Copyright © 2012 Tête-à-Tête-Tête - All Rights Reserved
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I’ve got nothing4 comments to I’ve got nothing |
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Copyright © 2012 Tête-à-Tête-Tête - All Rights Reserved
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My wife is about to proclaim our house to be an abandoned creation.
I didn’t get the yard cut yesterday. When I got home the wife wanted to go and “celebrate” because we made the last tuition payment yesterday for our youngest daughter. She will graduate in two weeks with a degree in accounting. I sure hope she can land a job somewhere soon. She has been working for companies like Verizon Wireless and T-Mobile since she turned 16 selling cell phones and she is mighty burned out on that line of work.
Oh, the celebration consisted of a margarita and a chicken salad for the wife and a fajita with water for me. I have to avoid alcohol. It is kinda like Lays Potato Chips for me. I can’t have just one so it is always in my best interest and the interest of others around me not to have any.
The grass will get cut TODAY! No excuses.
I did get 30% of The Sirens of Titan read last night though
Sirens of Titan was a masterpiece. No spoilers, but what a religion…
I got one: the foundation of my teaching system that I adhere to and follow as it pertains to my children has been severly dented.
I follow the simple method of “postiive reinforcement/negative reinforcement”. Yeah, I studied the different theories in my sociology & psychology classes, but the one that really stood out as plausible and workable to me was PR/NR. Yes, there are points where there are shades of gray (a kid does/says something unacceptable, but they’re sick with a fever or the like) but those are on the fringes. Unless it’s one of those times, then it’s “reward for good” and “punishment for bad” with the decision making process being used for which type of reward or punishment, and in my world it’s a lazy parent who seeks their kid’s love with only money or simply reaches for the paddle if they’re ‘bad’. And we could have a long discussion over which types of rewards/punishment are best for certain occasions but it really boils down to the parent & what they deem best.
Stopping to get this out of the way for anyone who doesn’t know me since it’s the first thing that comes to many minds when you say the word “punishment”: Yes, I sometimes spank my son when he deserves it. No, I’m not a redneck parent ‘whooping’ my autistic kid because I’m too lazy to instruct him. Yes, I spell things out in an intricate manner beforehand so that he understands to the last molecule and that there is no doubt that he not only knew what was unacceptable, but that he knew he was consciously making an unacceptable decision. Yes, I sit him down and discuss things before doing that deed. No, I don’t use it as the standby NR. It’s dead last and when everything else has failed. Yes, I believe in corporal punishment & you’re free not to. Yes, you can judg me. Yes, I can point to my model-citizen all-A daughter and find-me-a-more-advanced-and-adjusted-autistic-child-ON-THE-PLANET and say, “who are you to judge me?” Yeah, I mean “on the planet”. He’s that advanced and I’m that lucky. No, you will not find a child that is more rewarded or loved. Yes, I know you think yours are: mine are more.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ve come to the realization that in my son’s case, some of the more optimal negative reinforcement areas are simply not getting the job done. It’s his condition: he focuses on the punishment. Well, not focus, more like obsess. Let’s say, I use this as an example: “Jared, if you do X then you won’t be able to watch television for 24 hours”. Or, say, make it not being able to play the Wii. Or deciding what we’re going to eat for dinner, or whatever, he focuses on the part that he won’t be able to do and obsesses. So, to completely making something up out of the blue, if he were to be backstage at Madison Square Garden & about to go out an play a game for the Knicks and I were to say “Jared, you can’t get mad at the referee if he calls a foul on you and react by grabbing his arm and sqeezing, because if you do then you won’t be able to play your Nintendo game tonight as punishment”. BAM! He’ll obsess over the punishment and attempt to renegotiate the entire situation, such as “what do you mean not play the game? Don’t you mean “yes” I CAN play the game? How long until I can play the game? That doesn’t make sense, why can’t I play the game?” In short, a complete breakdown. Doesn’t happen much, but it does happen and always after an instance where he’s angered.
Caveat: Doesn’t happen if he does something wrong & is awaiting punishment. He gets that.
But if I’m forecasting proper behavior and introduce NR, he melts down. So, recently I’ve adjusted the rules and when we’re preparing for a venture and it’s time to address behavior or reactions that are not acceptable, then I’m going back to PR and saying “if you do NOT do X, then you’re going to get Y as a reward”. I don’t like it because I’m basically rewarding him for the minimum behavior that is acceptable & so I think that I’m being blackmailed into giving him stuff (we’re talking piddly stuff, folks….last time it was a nickel, I’m talking about the concept) but, it works. I don’t like it, but it works and as every parent of a special needs kid realizes, the biggest obstacle in the journey is finding out what works. He’s the recipient of many parental kudos for his good behavior (many who have no idea that he’s autistic) on a constant basis and this by no means is to be taken as my portending that he’s socially inept; this is rare & in special instances where he may fail at something – and in autism, there is no fail…they have trouble grasping it – and hasn’t yet found his outlet for anger. To you or me, a simple “dammit” or “goshdarnit” will suffice and we’ll hold it in and channel it elsewhere like a workout or a long run or a nice steambath or kicking a cat (just to see if you’re still reading).
So, while I know this is only temporary, since I never had to do this in the past, and we’ll go back to the tried & true method once he learns how to channel & express his anger in a better way, I’m stuck with the realization that for the time being I’m going to be forced to go against my best instincts in order to get him over this hurdle. Y’see, if I say “if you do this, you’ll get a spanking”, that works. Well, I don’t want to do that unless it’s an instance of where the spanking is warranted (IMO) and in my world it’s just not warranted all that much & I’m not going to be a lazy parent and say/do that just to make it easier on me.
But, trust me, as the person carrying the gene that gave him austism (I’ll go to my grave thinking that and my wife is 100% convinced as well) I can tell you that it’s hard for ME not to follow the rule that I think is best to follow just so my son can easier accept his own internal rules as he adapts to our society.
Enough for ya?
Sirens of Titan was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
I am 35% into “Player Piano” now. Man, I have got to shake this Vonnegut obsession I have. No way this can be healthy.
But if lovin’ him is wrong, I don’t want to be right